Abuse or conflict?

In the simplest terms abuse is an ongoing series of actions with the sole purpose of one persons attempts to coerce and control their spouse, whereas a conflict is when 2 people equally try to convince the other about submitting to their view.

That means that in any case where there is physical violence, sexual abuse or adultery present the dynamic of the relationship is abusive.

In other cases there is a call for caution as the behaviour may be abusive but not with the purpose of control over others, but can stem from a conflict or poor communication, the caution is 2 ways, for one we don´t want to label someone abusive if in fact there is a conflict between the spouses, nor do we want to brush it off as a conflict if it is in fact abuse.

Each of those situations carries their own consequences for the people involved, therefore we from CADA always recommend to contact counsellors or ministers who are trained in understanding the difference and act accordingly, we also always recommend marital counselling to start with 1on1 meetings to give each spouse the opportunity to speak freely and the minister a chance to evaluate which help to offer for each and both as a couple.

Am I being abused??

This can be one of the hardest questions to answer when you are in the situation, caught up in contradicting feelings and not really understanding why this is happening.

Whenever there is physical violence or threats of physical violence, the relationship is abusive. It doesnt matter what the circumstances was that lead to the violence once that line is crossed your marriage is abusive.

When there is no physical violence it can be harder to determine if you are in an abusive relationship or if it is more of a conflict. Here are some of the indicators that your marriage may be abusive....

• You have a constant fear of your partners reactions.
• If you are being isolated from family and friends often with comments like "they don´t understand us, they are just jealous or they just want to break us up" and if you do talk to or meet them the response will almost always be anger or guilt-tripping you into feeling you chose them over your marriage.
• You have no financial insight, even if you work and bring a salary you don´t have any power over how the money is spent, the money you do have is almost never enough to provide the basics and your spending is monitored.
• You don´t have any own opinion about anything anymore, your view of the world and yourself is determined by how your partner views it.
• If you should voice an own opinion it is almost always met with derogatory remarks about you as a person.
• You constantly walk like on eggshells weighing when and what to say, trying to figure out if the mood is right to talk about the most trivial things like "how was your day or what happened to the kids in school"
• Your life goes in circles between an outburst - silent treatment - happy days - tension infor a new outburst.... over and over again. After each outburst or even during it you may feel a relief that now there will be a period of peace.

These are just some of the indicators and each situation is unique to itself.

It´s normal to feel alone, but you are not alone, we are waiting to listen and support you in creating a change.