Vulnerability and Abuse inMarriage

Very few will ever come to understand just how deep and abiding the bonds of marriage can be. When God gave marriage He promised “and the two shall become one flesh.”Marriage unites a husband and wife together physically where two“join as one” in a beautiful intimacy resulting in a gift of new life. Yet, marriage may be so much more as it can inextricably bond husband and wife together emotionally and spiritually if the two are vulnerable enough to allow God’s design to be perfected in them.

What keeps most marriages from growing together is fear. Fear is the opposite of faith as it believes that my spouse can not meet my needs unless I protect myself. There were times in the difficult periods of my marriage where I thought I had married a very selfish person. I lost hope of ever reaching her because she was filled with fears instilled growing up in a home where parents regularly argued. A subconscious disdain for her father made her keep me at a distance, all the while she craved the loving bonds marriage had to offer. I thought I would never be able to break through her walls of protection from distrust to join fully with the girl inside I loved so dearly.

The two keys to help unlock your spouse towards God’s oneness are “trustworthiness” and“vulnerability.” Neither of these are mutually exclusive in the sense that both spouses must be trustworthy and learn to open up and share their inner self. There comes a remarkable oneness from“knowing and being fully known.”

Trustworthiness demands that we will seek the best interest of the other by putting on our New Life in Christ and walking in “all things Christian” in our marriage. Selfishness is put away as we serve each other like Christ, who showed us that even in our sufferings, we can win our spouse with as we walk in the Spirit after His Word.

Vulnerability is the ability to learn to trust even when we are not convinced that the person we married is fully trustworthy. Nothing hidden, no pretenses, just honesty met with love and grace, as the two grow together in Christ. Yet, to get there requires allowing our spouse to penetrate our being which means we risk being hurt. In such cases one’s vulnerable trust is in God promises, particularly to wives that “they may win him without a Word” by their submissive and godly behavior (1 Peter 3:1).

Yes, there are spouses who are abusive and cannot be trusted. If you are married to such a spouse protect yourself from their abusive ways, yet follow God’s calling to seek to sanctify them by your love and obedience to God. But if you are married to a good, yet imperfect spouse, ask yourself if you are choosing the path to oneness by putting off self, and putting on the vulnerable love of Jesus in your marriage. Do you follow after His model of true vulnerability, who became a helpless baby and obediently suffered on the cross in submission to the Father.

Allow your faith to be tested by faithfully doing your part even if the other doesn’t do theirs. Then watch what God can do to create a oneness in your marriage. I tested God and found Him to be true to His Word and now have the wife of my dreams. You can too.

By: Ken Alexande